I helped move my daughter to her new place yesterday. She decided to go back to college after completing a university degree. So this move isn’t the first one for her. She has even studied overseas. And surprisingly, I handled her first moves courageously, and by that I mean I didn’t allow my emotions to overtake me. But this move was different for some reason. And I knew it was because I was feeling some anxiety around it. And I was hiding the fact that I feared it. I was hiding it from my daughter because I didn’t want to project my own fears on her. I didn’t want her to second guess her smart decision to go back to school. Instead, I encouraged her to follow her heart, though deep down inside I was scared.
And I tried to ignore it. I told myself it meant nothing. I told myself that it was just my anxiety coming up again. I continued to support my daughter in any way I could with her move, but I still always felt this apprehension around her leaving. And I told myself it was because she was the last child to leave home, and I would miss her and feel alone. But this reasoning or new story of why my anxiety was surfacing only bought me more time. Sort of.
In the back of my head, I knew my anxiey was still there. It’s like I put it on the back burner to simmer. And that’s where I decided I wanted it to stay. My daughter didn’t need to hear about my fears that I was having around her move. I’m sure that she had her own! And before the move, I found myself asking my daughter over and over if she was happy about her decision to go back to school. And moving day was no different. I wanted to know if she felt safe, if she would be okay, if she was happy. For some reason, I needed that reassurance. I needed to know that she would be okay so that I would be okay. And she assured me over and over that she felt safe and that she was happy with her decision.
But who really needed to feel safe? Who needed to feel okay? Who needed the reassurance over and over that everything would be okay? It wasn’t her. It was me! My anxiety around this entire move was real. And I needed to pay attention to it. Instead, I made up a story in my head in order to dismiss my own feelings. I was right for not projecting my fears on my daughter, but I failed to honour my own truth. I had some real fear coming up!
And I know from experience that I can keep my anxiety simmering for only so long. Because it will come up again. And it did! At the end of our moving day, my anxiety finally boiled over. As I began to pull away from my daughter’s new apartment to begin my lonely journey back home, my anxiety turned up its volume. I couldn’t ignore it this time. I heard my little girl inside of me start to whimper with fear. She was done with me not listening to her. She had a message to tell me, and she pushed through my defenses in tears to tell me, “I don’t want to be alone again!”
But who really needed to feel safe?
So here it was. Here was the real truth behind my fear and anxiety around my daughter’s move away from home. It wasn’t about her at all! It was about me. My daughter’s move was a huge emotional TRIGGER for me that I was ignoring. And the move was triggering a memory from childhood when I was left alone…again. And I knew that I had to process this memory. I knew what I needed to do once I got home.
I needed to listen to my little girl. She had something to say. Once I reached home, I unpacked quickly and went straight upstairs to my computer. I needed to journal. Journaling is my number one tool that I use to work through my anxiety triggers. I needed to hear what my little girl wanted to tell me about her fear of being alone. As I typed furiously, she was able to tell me about a situation when she was forced to be alone again with someone who would sexually abuse her. And she had no protection or support from her mother. And this was what she wanted to tell me. This is what my anxiety wanted to tell me. My anxiety had a message for me. It always does.
My daughter’s move was a huge emotional TRIGGER for me that I was ignoring.
And I know I can deal with what my anxiety wants to tell me. I know the message may bring up some old emotional wounds from childhood that I have to work through as an adult, but it always brings me to a better place once I’ve faced it. This time it wanted me to look at the loneliness I was feeling around my daughter’s move. It wasn’t even about that. But I made it about that so I wouldn’t have to face the deep emotional pain of being alone as a child. And because I had compassion for myself for what I was working through, I also was able to have it for my little girl as well. As I worked through my emotions of loneliness, I became the new parent for my little girl, and I was able to comfort her as she worked through emotions of shame and grief. And she didn’t have to be alone this time because she had me!
