What I’m about to say about addictions or eating disorders may not make me the most popular person. But I’m not writing this blog for popularity. I’m writing it to reach out to anyone who struggles with food or addiction behaviours in any way. And I am writing this blog because I have lived with an eating disorder all my life. I’m coming to you from a place of experience.
I am an overeater and a binger, and I have been all my life. Food has been my #1 drug of choice. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy. I have used food to numb my pain, deal with my emotions and fill the empty void inside of me. It has always been there for me when I needed it the most. And it became my temporary fix. It just got me through life.
But I also hated my food. I hated what it did to me. It made me angry because I needed a fix. It brought me shame and guilt around my body weight. It brought me disgust with myself as I sat waiting for my sore stomach to subside after having eaten too much…again. And I swore that there wouldn’t be a next time.
But there was always a next time. I couldn’t control my eating no matter how hard I tried. And there was no way I wanted to give it up. My food controlled me! I knew that. Food was my safety net, my life jacket. It kept me afloat because I knew that without it I would drown. So I continued to hold on to it for dear life.
And I can’t tell you how hard I tried to control it! I tried every diet known to man! I even spent 10 years in a 12 step program to learn how to keep it at bay. And I even sought out other addiction behaviors along with the food. And I was able to get those under control, but not the food. I just couldn’t get my food under control!
And trying to control my food wasn’t working for me anymore! Actually, it never did. Trying to give it up cold turkey doesn’t work! And that’s what I finally began to realize. It wasn’t about the FOOD. Just like it’s not about the drug, the alcohol, the weed, the cell phone, the pornography, the job, the money, Netflix, gaming or the Internet. The list goes on, but you get what I’m saying. It’s not about WHAT the addiction is or what someone is addicted to doing. I never asked for this addiction, nor did I want it. But I had convinced myself that by trying to control WHAT I was addicted to would be the answer to helping me get over it. But I was going in the wrong direction.
I needed to turn in another direction. Instead of focusing on WHAT I was using or doing and trying to control it, I finally began to turn my focus to WHY I was using or doing it. Why was I doing this to me? Why was I shoving all this food down my throat, only to walk away with an aching gut every time? There was a void in me that I was trying to fill. And I knew that. But I wanted to know WHY!
Food was no longer the enemy here. I began to understand that I had this addiction for a reason. My eating disorder was telling me something. It was actually here to help me out. It was trying to wake me up! It was trying to tell me that there was something more here that I needed to look at. This wasn’t about the food. It was about ME and WHY I was using the food.
So I took the food out of the equation, and I was left with ME and WHY. Why am I overeating? Why am I binging? Why am I doing this to my body? What am I trying to avoid? What don’t I want to look at? Why don’t I like myself? Because if I liked myself, I wouldn’t do this to me.
Food was no longer the enemy here.
And I continued to ask WHY. I wanted to know. And I wouldn’t give up. I couldn’t. It took the very last bit left of me to begin the journey to answer the WHY. I wanted to know WHY I would do this to ME.
And I had to make the decision that I mattered, even if I didn’t believe it. I had to. I had no other choice. I could continue to allow my food to control me, or I could turn in a new direction and focus on ME. I had to forget the addiction for now. I trusted that it would work itself out on its own. After all, I knew that I had no control over it. I’ve been down that road and learned it from experience!
Once I made the decision to take the focus off of the addiction and focus on WHY I had it in the first place, I began to turn in a new direction. I started to believe that I had this eating disorder and other addictions for a reason. And only I knew why. There is no one out there who could tell me WHY I had it. They haven’t lived MY life. Only I could do this for ME.
And I have found so much freedom from my addictions in my search for answers. I know WHY I have abused my body with food in the past. And as I continue to work through my emotions that I have covered up all these years with my food and other addictions, I am also liking myself more and more. And I now have compassion for myself for what I am working through. Food is no longer my safety net or my life jacket. I have ME to keep me afloat. I now have my own back because I made the decision to make myself matter to me! And to anyone who continues to struggle with an eating disorder or any other addiction behaviour, I can assure you that there is hope and freedom on this journey. And I know this to be true because I’ve been down this road before, so I know it from experience!
