I struggled with the title of this post. I was scared that I might turn some of you off. But I don’t do corny. Or mushy. Cause that’s not what you need right now. I give you the real shit! So I took the gamble. And if you’re reading this, then it paid off!
I don’t have a lot of friends. In fact, I didn’t grow up with a lot either. I always chose to have one friend at a time. No more. And I allowed myself to get close to that one person. And that’s how I played it for a long time. Very safe!
Maybe you have lots of friends. I know others struggle with finding friends like I did. Some of you may be alone. And that’s tough. I know that feeling. I had a hard time trusting people, and I really didn’t think anyone got me. I always felt so different from everyone else. So I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I’ve raised a family, and I’ve been around people all my life. But I still always felt alone.
And alone is a tough place to be. It’s uncomfortable to spend time with yourself. Especially if you don’t like that person.
And I’ve spent a lot of time trying to run from that person. From me. I didn’t like me. In fact, there was a lot that I hated about me. I never realized just how much I actually hated me until I started to write to me to tell me how much I hated me! There were a lot of ugly words that I pounded out on those keys. And a hell of a lot of tears to go with it. I absolutely despised me!
But something began to shift after I started writing hate messages to myself.
I started to not hate me as much. And I began to see myself as okay. Not disgusting. But okay. And that felt good. I was starting to like me. But I had to hate me first. Sounds too much like Selena Gomez’ song Lose You to Love Me. But she was right.
I had to hate me to begin to like me. And I got there with my journaling. My own writing shifted how I felt about me. It took some time, and a shit load of nasty hate messages to myself, but it brought me to a place where I made a new friend! I met me. And she’s not so bad after all!
